Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Healing Hidden Wounds: The Art of Confrontation


Greetings. I pray that you all are well today!  As promised, our teaching for this week has been written by a dear sister of mine, Ms. Candee' Winfield, owner of Suddenly Professional Counseling and Consulting
The information she has provided is priceless, I won't add anything to it, or take anything from it.
Be Blessed!  Victoria

The Art of Confrontation!
How many times have you walked away from someone saying to yourself; why didn’t I say something” “speak up”, or more correctly, honor myself. Yes, honor yourself. Speaking the truth, acknowledging your feelings, and being your own best advocate is not a bad thing. Contrary to the belief that being a “good Christian” is somehow equated with allowing people to mistreat you, to violate your boundaries, or silence you by not speaking up for yourself is a fallacy. Learning the art and skill of assertiveness and boundary setting can go a long way in having and maintaining healthy relationships. They are necessary effective communication skills.

I often hear people say I don’t like confrontation or I don’t like to argue, so rather than staying engaged in the dialogue they become silent not expressing their thoughts or feelings. This passive behavior allows the one they’re communicating with to come to their own conclusions without their input. This can easily occur if one person is more assertive or aggressive in their style of communication.

So let’s begin by identifying 4 styles of communication:

· Passive

· Aggressive

· Passive –Aggressive

· Assertive

The Passive person communicates indirectly. They usually do not address problems with others and do not speak up for themselves.

An Aggressive communicator is threatening and can be verbally or physically abusive towards others. They are often bossy, intimidating, domineering, loud and sarcastic.

A Passive-Aggressive person does not address problems directly, but tries to get back at people in a way that will hurt them without drawing too much attention to themselves. They often use manipulation and are dishonest about their feelings. They will engage in tit-for-tat behaviors.

And finally, an Assertive person will communicate very clearly. They know their rights and are respectful of others. Their communication is direct and honest.

Of the 4 styles it’s apparent the Assertive style is the most desirable. This style allows one to take responsibility for their own feelings and not blame the other person for “making” them feel a certain way. When we blame, it shuts down effective communication. The other person usually becomes defensive, and the communication can move to being about winning rather than effectively hearing each other and coming to a mutual resolution.

So the goal is to be able to communicate how another person’s behavior or actions are affecting you without placing blame. In order to do that, there is a simple formula that can be followed. The premise-avoid using “you” statements. So following these basic steps:

Step 1
I feel_______________,

Step2
When you____________________,

Step3
I want____________________.

When you express how you feel in step 1, you are going to describe the feeling you are experiencing, i.e, happy, sad, angry, frustrated, betrayed, disappointed, etc. Be very specific and descriptive, avoid generalizations and vague unclear statements. Here are a few examples:

The wrong way 
 I feel…     Like you hate me

The right way
I feel… angry, upset and intimidated

___________________
The wrong way 
 I feel…     Like you’re trying to make me upset

The right way
I feel…  belittled and humiliated

 __________________
The wrong way 
 I feel…  Like you want me to leave

The right way
I feel…  hurt and confused

__________________                   
The wrong way 
 I feel…     Like you’re using me

The right way
I feel… unappreciated and taken advantage of

Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. By stating your feelings out loud you are affirming and acknowledging your feelings and that you have a right to those feelings. Finish with a statement of what you would like to happen, the change you desire. When you learn to communicate assertively, you learn to set boundaries with “grace and dignity” a phrase one of my favorite mentors would often use. Be encouraged, you can make a change in this area of your life.  Remember, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1.

The Counselor,
Candee’

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